It may be time to change my e-mail address!

(For those you care, this is my column sent out to the Custer paper for the Dec. 17 issue:)

It's time to change my e-mail address!

The problem with being a voracious e-mailer is that it is far too easy to sign up for "stuff," some of which sounds appealing and attractive and some of which proves to be nothing more than an e-mail clogger. It takes time and patience to "opt out" of each of those e-mails from whom I never want to hear again, so I have decided it's time to simply close my present e-mail account and get a new one and then to be very careful who learns about that new address!

Why go to the trouble, you ask? This is why. I swear this is the gospel truth. The other day I received ALL of the following in my junk folder on the SAME day:

* "Need help with diabetes? Try GlucoBalame MD."
* "Get the world's best peeler for only $14.99."
* "Rebate processing jobs at home. Immediate placement!"
* "My Nigerian partners have absconded with my funds, and the governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria is going to help me get my money if you will help me."
* "Lucidal, a revolutionary new formula to boost brain functions." (I actually pondered the idea of opening this e-mail. I could use a boost in brain functions.)
* Something totally in Spanish. I can't tell you what it said.
* "Zenaab-kabbah is seeking an honest partner." (Yeah, I'll bet you are.)
* "Be a happy driver. Save on auto insurance."
* "Recieve the funds you requested." (I hadn't requested any funds, and besides, I wouldn't get them from anybody who can't spell "receive" correctly.)
* "Parker, relief is here." (I could use some relief, but I'm afraid of what they're suggesting.)
* "Choose a designer handbag and you could get it free." (I think I'll stick with my wallet.)
* "Urgent response requested by Abudu Hassan." (I'm sure urgency was required, but he spelled it "ugrent.")
* "Parker, your future starts here." (I'm too old to start a future right now.)
* "Fed up with taxes, Parker?" (You bet, but not as much as I'm fed up with the people in government who are responsible for them.)
* "Respond urgently, my dear friend." (I think I'll pass.)
* "Whose fries are better?"
* "UK Lottery notification." (I've won the UK lottery countless times in my life. I'm yet to see a penny of it.)
* "How to burn fat with SkinnyBoost." (I already look as if I used SkinnyBoost. I can't afford to burn another ounce of fat.)
* "Want to meet some nice girls?" (Yes, always. But my description of "nice girls" and theirs is likely different.)
* "Anti-aging formula!" (Now they're getting my attention.)
* "Dermitage, Hollywood's Fountain of Youth." (Fine, I'm interested, but can I get it in South Dakota instead of Hollywood?)
* And of course, Viagra! (If I had much use for Viagra, this might be the first of my junk e-mails I would open.)

As you can guess, I make frequent use of the "delete" button on my computer.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Signs of the times:

Being a news junkie, I usually have CNN or MSNBC on throughout the day, so at least twice daily I see a shot of the opening bell and the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange. What bugs me about that, however, is this: Why, especially in these rugged, shaky financial times, are those people standing up there by the bell applauding so deliriously as they ring the opening and closing bells? . . . . .

Since my car has been on the fritz for most of three months this fall, I hadn't bothered to fill the gas tank very often. The other day I pulled up to one of the outside pumps at a local station, one of those where you have to go inside and pay cash before pumping the gas. I handed the clerk a $20 bill, saying, "I don't have a clue how much it will take so give me that much for now." He looked at me strangely but said nothing. I went back to the car, pumped gas till it automatically shut off and was astounded to see it cost me only about $16. Whoa! The last time I remembered filling my gas tank it cost something like $50! The clerk was amused as I returned inside to get my change. . . . . .

Why didn't I ever think of this? I read the other day that an enterprising calculus teacher at a high school in suburban San Diego, tired (or broke!) from using his own money to pay for supplies for his classroom, solicited ads and printed them around the outside edges of the test papers he distributed to his students. Some of the ads were from local businesses, one from a dentist urging "brace yourself for a great semester," others from supportive parents. He sold out all the space on his semester test, and he has bookings for $350 worth of ads for next semester! I can only imagine what the superintendents and principals with whom I dealt over my 18 years of teaching would have said about this plan. . . . . .

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The tradition lives: As I wrote this last Friday, I had already received 24 Christmas cards/letters from friends in my former haunts---Onida, Pierre, Rapid City, Custer, et al. It's good to welcome the mailman at the front door each morning when what he brings is friends' news and photos of the past year instead of bills!

For the first time in decades, I'm not going to get my Christmas letter into the mail before Christmas, but I'll get it done after the new year, perhaps during the first blizzard that shuts down Vermillion, if in fact we are fortunate to have such a couple days this year!

In the meantime, merry Christmas and happy new year to all who read the Chronicle (and you who log on to this blog, too!). I managed to see very few of you during 2008 (only if you came east of the river!), but I vow to rectify that situation in 2009, and perhaps a return move to the Black Hills area is in store. Enjoy your holiday season!