The 2007 Parkie Awards

Before the year rings to a close and we embark upon the eighth year of the 21st century, we feel obligated to "reward" some of the heroes and chumps of 2007 with their well-deserved Parkie Award. Some of you deserving award winners (and losers) will escape getting your just desserts this year. I made a big move this year, went from one job to no job, crossed to the other side of the state and didn't play enough attention to everything that was going on. However, I intend to pay closer attention to all you do and don't do in 2008. A year from now, you will get yours. Rest assured, I am watching you.

And away we go with the 2007 Parkies:

Most Entertaining Sports Moment of the Year Award: To Michigan for losing its football opener at home to Appalachian State.

You Lift Me Up Award: To the glorious music and inspiring messages at the installation service for Rev. David Zellmer as South Dakota's ELCA Lutheran bishop.

What Don't You Understand About 'Open' Award: To the assorted public officials who can't seem to grasp that South Dakota open-meetings law requires the public's business to be conducted in public.

Best Sidewalk Superintendent Moment Award: To the demolition of Pacer's old mica depot in downtown Custer. Sad to see the old barn go but fun to watch it come down, board by board!

The TV Show Which They Axed Too Soon Award: To ABC's "Traveler." Each episode kept me indoors on summer nights, but one season wasn't enough.

S.D. 'A' Basketball Moment of the Year Award: To the Vermillion girls' last-second steal and winning basket in the state "A" semifinals vs. Milbank.

S.D. 'AA' Basketball Moment of the Year Award: To last season's Lady Govs. With O'Gorman leading 50-49 in the final seconds, Polly Gill broke open under the hoop, Loryn Schuetzle spotted her with a laser pass, and Polly put in the winning bucket as Pierre advanced to the state championship game.

You're Stopping Me for What? Award: To the well-meaning Highway Patrol trooper who stopped me on I-90 at 3 a.m. because I was "going too slow."

Count Your Blessings Award: To South Dakota school principals, most of whom don't have the same problems as principals in Rochester, Minn. They had to ban limousines from the parking lots on fifth-grade graduation day.

Mr. Personality Award: It's a tie between home-run slugger Barry Bonds and Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

Best Book Title of the Year Award: To Stephen Colbert's "I Am America and So Can You."

S.D. College Sports Moment of the Year Award: To USF's 90-yard drive in bitter cold in the last two minutes to beat Missouri Valley in the NAIA national semifinal. (But SDSU's stunning win over No. 1 NDSU for the Great West conference title ranks right up there.)

Why Can't I Learn To Love You? Award: To St. Thomas More teams. If you had spent two years in Custer as I did---or anywhere else in the Black Hills---you would know what I mean.

The Streak Goes On Award: To the Pierre Street railroad viaduct for remaining undefeated. Several vehicles tried to take out the bridge in 2007, but the structure stayed strong and true.

Enough Screen Time Award: To actress Eva Longoria, who gets more TV time during Spurs games in which husband Tony Parker plays than she does on "Desperate Housewives."

The Book I Can't Wait To Read Award: To Lynne Spears' temporarily-delayed book on parenting. (She's the mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn.)

Enjoy It While You Can Award: To Nebraska and Notre Dame haters who enjoyed the '07 football season. The Huskers and the Irish will be back!

An Honest Politician! Award: To former Sen. George McGovern, a Democratic presidential candidate in 1972, who admitted he voted for Republican Gerald Ford for President instead of Jimmy Carter.

Humane Society Dog Calendar Award: To dog-fighting entrepreneur Michael Vick to hang in his jail cell.

I've Had It With Celebrity Guests Award: To ESPN's Monday Night Football crew who can't get through a single quarter of a game without some celebrity showing up to be fawned over.

Hockey Moment of the Year Award: To last year's Capitals, who later would go all the way to the state championship game and take it into overtime. But the supreme moment came against perennial powerhouse Brookings, a team Pierre had never ever defeated. Down 2-0 with 8:58 left, the Caps came up with the most thrilling nine minutes in Pierre hockey history to whip the Rangers, 5-2. For good measure the Caps beat 'em again the next day, 5-1.

Multi-Cultural Event of the Year Award: To Riggs High graduate Angie Iverson's wedding where the ceremony was conducted in English, Latin and Spanish and one of the songs was sung in French.

Mismatch Award: To any Class "AA" football or basketball game between a Sioux Falls team and a Rapid City team.

Observation of the Year Award: To the foreign-born Washington, D.C., taxi driver who told NBC's Brian Williams, "You Americans sure know how to say goodbye to your presidents."

Living Up To Their Potential Award: To Custer's state "A" cross-country champs. Second in '06, they were expected to win it this year, and they did it.

Journalist to the Rescue! Award: To Gettysburg editor Molly McRoberts, who in a mall parking lot in Pierre, found a 5-year-old boy huddled between two cars, sobbing, lost, his coat wide open, no mittens on a minus-20 wind chill day. Molly wrote, "Funny we're required to have a license to own a dog, but there are no restrictions placed on who can have children."

Anticipation Award: To USD's senior running back Amos Allen. It was a rise-to-my-feet adventure every time he carried the ball.

Get a Life Award: To all those picket-sign holders who always seem to be available when a celebrity walks in or out of jail. Don't you people have to go to work?

They Do It Without Thinking Award: To common folks, including some from South Dakota, who happened to be nearby when the I-35W bridge collapsed and who, without thinking twice, dived into the water and climbed on to the rubble to save people's lives.

Way to Start the Year! Award: To Boise State's exhilarating miracle-makers for humbling Oklahoma with gutsy clutch plays to win the Fiesta Bowl last Jan. 1.

What Exactly Is Your Talent Award: To so-called celebrities like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears whose only apparent talents are behaving badly, getting into trouble and messing up their lives.

He Says What I Think Award: To MSNBC's Keith Olbermann. Too bad he has only one more year to talk about the Bush crowd. On second thought, no, it's not.

Home-state Pride Award: To all of us who think it's really cool when the TV screen reads "Written by Anne Cofell Saunders" at the end of a "Chuck" episode, or Mike Miller scores a double-double in an NBA game, or Tom Brokaw narrates another TV documentary, or Adam Vinatieri kicks a game-winning field goal for the Colts, or Ben Leber or Chad Greenway make a super defensive play for the Vikings, and on an on. South Dakotans, once and always!

Get the Chips Off Your Shoulders Award: To SDSU and/or USD officials. Our two Division I schools should be scheduling each other in football and basketball and doing it now!

There's Something In The Air Award: To whoever allowed a B-52 carrying six nuclear weapons to fly across South Dakota and other states in August.

To Us They're Champs Award: To the Lady Govs volleyball team, which went undefeated until the state "AA" championship match and which gave life to the sport of volleyball in Pierre for the first time.

Can I Call You Back, Dear Award: To presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani who took a cell phone call from his wife in the middle of a speech to the National Rifle Association.

What a Run! Award: To the Rockies' magical September-October run when they came back from the dead, won 21 of 22 games, swept the Phillies, swept the D-backs and made it to the World Series.

Political Correctness Gone Amok Award: To the Australian management company which, in training Santa Clauses, suggested they say "Ha ha ha" instead of "Ho ho ho" because the latter might be offensive to women.

The Horses Are Still in the Stable Award: To Governor track coach Geoff Gross and his stable of stars. They lost some by graduation the last two years, but with two straight state titles under their belts, they can't wait for the snow to melt so they can go after #3, and neither can we. Meet me in Sioux Falls, last weekend in May, and wear green!

Maybe Funny, Maybe Not Award: To presidential candidate John McCain who, in answering a question about sending a message to Iran, used the tune of the Beach Boys song "Barbara Ann" to reply "Bomb bomb bomb; bomb bomb Iran."

Sports Photo of the Year Award: To whoever snapped the photo of first-baseman Todd Helton at the instant the Rockies clinched the pennant with Arizona's comedian, batter Eric Byrnes, lying facedown in the dirt.

I'm Not Smart But I'm Hot Award: To Miss Teen South Carolina for her pathetic, clueless, brain-dead response to a question about why U.S. students can't find Iraq on a map.

Retribution Award: To Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, who in January fumbled the snap on a winning field goal in the playoffs but who this fall has led his team into Super Bowl contention.

National Champ Award: To young Pierre athlete Sydney Palmer, national champion in her age division of Punt, Pass & Kick.

Jerk of the Year Award: To Evil Dick, contestant on CBS' "Big Brother 8," who was foul, disgusting and vile enough to win the show.

You're Hard Up for Programming Award: To any network which shows---and anybody who watches---competitive eating competitions.

Dynasty Award: To my Custer boys track team which kept tradition alive with the school's sixth straight Black Hills Conference championship.

Pierre's Not The Same Award: To Ken and Sharon Starks, who spent three decades putting their hearts and souls into Chikadily's restaurant, then had to suddenly close it down last spring. The restaurant is now open under new ownership, and that's good news, but it's difficult to see tradition and history go by the wayside sometimes.

Losers Hang Together Award: To the four geeks, representing other phone companies, who can't compete with handsome Chad on the AllTel commercials.

A Can of Off, Please Award: To Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain, who was nearly devoured by gnats during a playoff game in Cleveland. (Even mosquitoes hate the Yankees.)

Cool Cash Award: To William Jefferson, the Louisiana congressman, for hiding $90,000 from shady business deals in his freezer at home.

Your Vote Counts Award: To the Onida city councilman who tied his opponent, then won a coin flip for the office.

Wave Your Flag Award: To tennis stars like Andy Roddick, James Blake and the Bryan brothers who take the time to play for the USA in Davis Cup competition. In case you don't know, we won! The same could be said for the NBA pros playing on Coach K's USA Olympics team in 2008. Those guys don't have to give up all that time (and many of those not playing don't want to!), but these are, and a gold medal awaits!

Not in Our House, You Don't Award: To the Governors football team, which Huron might have expected would be the first team it would beat in 40 games, but the Govs prevailed in a thrilling overtime win, and Huron will have to en its losing streak somewhere else next year.

Thank Heaven for Government Award: To the feds who ruled the kind folks of Bangor, Maine, could no longer welcome home soldiers to U.S. soil with boxes of homemade fudge and other treats because they were not inspected first.

I Can't Give Awards Without Mentioning Duke Award: To former Blue Devil legend Grant Hill, after years of injuries, getting a chance to contribute on an NBA contender like the Suns.

End That Relationship Now Award: To Izzy and George on "Grey's Anatomy." Please! Not a day longer!

Bad Dog Award: To Red Sox pitcher Jonathan Papelbon whose dog ate the ball which Papelbon threw on the final pitch of the World Series.

Good Hearts Award: To the folks out at the Frontier Bar in Custer who got a new puppy, Roxy, for youngster Cory Hughes after his previous dog was killed by a car.

Break the Tape Award: To homecoming king Travis Fitzke, who became Pierre's first-ever state cross-country champion.

I Wish I Had Written Those Books Award: To Harry Potter series author J.K. Rowling for her unspeakably successful run.

Keep Fighting Award: To U.S. Sen. Tim Johnson, back in the Senate a year after a brain hemorrhage.

The TV Show About People Like Us Which Not Enough People Watch Award: To NBC's "Friday Night Lights."

Living in Past Glory Award: To the bald and fat 1972 Miami Dolphins, who remind us, year after year, that they went undefeated. Go, Patriots!

Newsiest Week of the Year Award: To that week in July when Elijah Page was executed, the Alabaugh Fire burned near Hot Springs, Homestake was selected as the National Science Foundation lab site, a South Dakota Green Beret (Sgt. Robb Rolfing) gave his life in Iraq, and Union County was tabbed by Hyperion Oil as a possible refinery site---all in the same week!

Most Honest TV Commercial Award: To Subway for its commercial showing an NFL referee admitting he blew a call and would get even in the second half.

I Feel Your Pain Award: To Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, who sat there alone during the NFL rookie draft as one team aftnother passed him by. (You'll get even some day, baby!)

We Raise Good People Here Award: To Marine Brian Murphy, a native of Pierre and graduate of Riggs High, who, having witnessed a two-car collision on a Florida highway bridge, took command of the accident scene, rescuing people and directing traffic till emergency help arrived.

With Friends Like You Award: To the USF soccer goalie who accidentally took out teammate Jacob Shoup, not only from that game but for the rest of the season, with a dislocated toe sustained when they got in each other's way.

Run To First Base, You Jerks Award: To Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez, who stand motionless at home plate, arms raised into the air, admiring their home-run blasts, instead of running to first base as young ballplayers are taught to do.

It's Not the Same Without You Award: To college basketball announcer Dick Vitale, who after throat surgery can't broadcast again till February.

Speech of the Year Award: To distinguished author and English professor Nikki Giovanni, whose speech at the memorial convocation the day after the April massacre, roused the Virginia Tech family and the nation with hope and determination to move forward: "We will prevail. We are Virginia Tech!"