The 2008 Parkie Awards

Although the new year is already a month old, this is my first chance to visit with you since 2008 ended. We can't let the old year slip into oblivion without bestowing our annual Parkie Awards.

These have been a yearly ritual everywhere I've written newspaper columns over the past 30 years. There is a chance a couple of the recipients of a Parkie consider it a high point of their lives. There are more who didn't appreciate the distinction. Whichever the case, they're all worthy.

You have to first understand that sports plays a huge role in my daily life. Who plays when? What games are on TV? No wonder that most of what I remember from the year past has to do with sports, and so do most of my pet peeves. That's just the way it is, so bear with me.

Nevertheless, the 2008 Parkies go to:

Quote of the Year award: to the late Christopher Emmett, who said, after Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine refused to stay his execution by lethal injection, "Tell the governor he just lost my vote."

Sports Play of the Year award: to the Giants' Eli Manning, who escaped being sacked by a crowd of Patriots, scrambled back and fired a desperation pass downfield where Tyree made a miracle catch, keeping the team's Super Bowl-winning drive alive and breaking my Patriot heart in the process.

You Said What? award: to the film producer who, after he chose a site in western Iowa at which to film a movie entitled "South Dakota," explained, "We found the perfect South Dakota in Iowa."

Basketball Shot of the Year I Did See award: to USD's Rane Mergen, who grabbed a rebound and fired a successful length-of-the-court shot at the DakotaDome to beat the halftime clock against Augustana.

Basketball Shot of the Year I Didn't See award: to the Pierre Lady Govs' Steph Paluch, who was in position to rebound Drew Miller's missed three-point shot and tip it in at the buzzer to beat Watertown in the state "AA" semifinals.

Twist the Language award: to the once-legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who said to a congressional committee about his personal trainer's claims that Clemens used steroids, "He misremembered."

Welcome to the Club award: to an honest Sen. John McCain, who said aloud early in the primary campaign, "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should."

You Lived Up to Your Hype award: to USD freshman Louie Krogman, who led his White River team to the state "B" title despite incredible pressure and high expectations and who earned a starting spot on his college team, all in the same year.

College Play That Changed the Season award: to Texas Tech's Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree, whose last-second touchdown pass play beat Texas and changed the dynamics of the college season nationwide.

Never Give Up award: to the amazing Tampa Bay Rays, who in Game 5 of the American League championship series were only seven outs from the World Series with a 7-0 lead but lost, but who then in Game 7 beat the mighty Red Sox 3-1 to win the pennant.

You Took My Breath Away award: to the hundreds of Chinese drummers whose synchronized performance at the Olympics opening ceremonies left me speechless.

Welcome Back award: to "Friday Night Lights," the wonderful NBC-TV show which refuses to die.

There's No "I" in "Team" award: to the NBA pro superstars who, first of all, gave up their summers to willingly represent the USA at the Olympics, and then who displayed amazing camaraderie and teamwork in melding into a true Team USA.

I Wish We Could Run That Play Again award: to whoever called the particular play in the first quarter of the first game of the season on which Patriot quarterback Tom Brady was lost for the year.

The Most Relaxing Hour of the Week award: to CBS-TV's "Sunday Morning," the only TV show worth getting up before 8 a.m. on a Sunday to see.

I'll Watch Golf Again When You Get Back award: to Tiger Woods, the only good reason to stay inside on a summer afternoon to watch people play golf on television.

Now What Am I Supposed to Read First award: to long-time Argus Leader writer/columnist Terry Woster, whose Sunday column was for years the first thing I always turned to in the Sunday paper.

Worst Singers in the World award: it's a tie---to the contestants on "American Idol" and to the people the Cubs get to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh-inning stretch.

Explain This to Me award: to NFL and college football officials who will call unnecessary penalties on players who celebrate touchdowns but who do nothing to the 300-pound oafs who sack quarterbacks and then prance around the field doing dances and calling attention to themselves.

Did She Say What I Think She Said award: to the one and only Gov. Sarah Palin, who during a campaign interview, explained that she has foreign policy experience because her state is the first one Russian planes fly over on their way to the U.S.

How Will You Ever Survive award: to Yankee pitcher Andy Pettitte, who faces the daunting task of getting by on $10 million per year instead of $16 million.

The Knox Parker award: to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who named one of their twins Knox. (I receive computer-generated mail address to "Knox Parker" all the time.)

We'll Miss You Each Day It Rains award: to the Metrodome, which is about to begin its last year as the Twins' home. Outdoor baseball will be great except when we drive 10 hours to see a game that is then rained out.

Tell Me What I Am Seeing award: to the idiot sportscasters who, the instant some graphic appears on the screen, stop in mid-sentence to read to me what I am reading.

Sports Moment of the Year award: to the USA's 4x100-meter freestyle relay team, who, on the first Monday night of the Olympics, lifted us off our couches as anchorman Jason Lezak chased down the trash-talking Frenchman and beat him at the wall to win the gold medal. (Michael Phelps, Garrett Weber-Gale and Cullen Jones swam the first three legs.)

You Are the Woman award: to Tennessee women's basketball coach Pat Summitt who with her bare hands knocked a raccoon off her deck as it was about to attack her dog.

Your Dad Would Have Been Proud award: to young Luke Russert, who eloquently eulogized his dad, NBC's Tim Russert, at the funeral and then went to work on the network during the campaign.

The New TV Show I Don't Miss award: to "The Mentalist." If you call me, don't bother me from 8 to 9 on Tuesday nights!

The Worst of Luck to You award: to the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers or Angels who, with any luck at all, will fail yet again to buy the pennant.

I'll Never Forget Where I Was award: to that moment at 10 p.m. on a Saturday in August when a group of diverse people gathered from a wedding reception, from a college reunion and from off the street to crowd into the bar at the Crossroads in Huron to watch Michael Phelps swim to his eighth gold medal at the Olympics.

Newcomer of the Year award: to Twins centerfielder Carlos Gomez, who had huge Torii Hunter shoes to fill but who became a fun guy worth driving 400 miles to see play.

Image of the Year award: to the individual faces of the crowd in Grant Park on Election Night as Senator Obama gave his address.

Photo of the Year award: to Brian Madetzke's shot of the Custer State Park buffalo roundup with one of the cowboys carrying an American flag in the midst of the thundering herd.

Call Yourselves State Champs award: to Darin Smith, Cody Hart, Isaac Parsons and Jared Foote (and Jared Fischer, who ran in the prelims) pf Custer High, who sped to victory in the state "A" medley relay.

Keep Trying award: to the Custer Breakfast Club, who had a great idea for using a beautiful part of town to entice visitors to stay in Custer. There will always be naysayers, but keep coming up with good ideas!

Be Careful What You Wish For award: to the Chronicle's Jason Ferguson, who last February said he would jump into his friend's swimming pool in Arizona if the Giants won the Super Bowl game.

Boob Tube award: to my new 8-month-old Lab pup Winnie, who sits entranced in front of the TV set and watches the pictures change. Sort of like me!

You Are the Man award: to CHS senior Jared Foote, who last spring shocked the world, not to mention his fellow competitors, by winning the Black Hills Relay's 400-meter special event against the state's best.

I Wish I Had Been There award: to the Roddy boys---Luke, who stole the ball, and Jake, who made the basket---as Custer beat Red Cloud in the Lakota Nation Invitational second round in December.

The Oscar for Best Actors award: it's a three-way tie---to (1) punters who feign being run into by potential kick-blockers, (2) soccer players who writhe around on the field in supposed agony after being run into and (3) big men underneath the basket who flop to the floor and draw charging calls. You're all a bunch of phonies, and the refs are dumb enough to fall for it.

How Hot Is It award: to Mitch McLain (as General Custer), Dave Ressler (as a cavalry soldier) and the other welcomers who, dressed in 19th-century costumes, greet bikers, tourists and other Custer visitors in the heat of the summer tourist season.

You Make Life Worthwhile award: to (it's the same each year!) my kids and grandkids.